The Process of Grief

When the Runner died I read every thing I could about grief and death. Nothing I read on the grief process fit what I was going through so I wrote it as I experienced it:

SHOCK/NUMBNESS

The first reaction to the death of a loved one is shock. This is part of God’s protection. He insulates us from the full impact of death. We may be aware of what is happening around us yet protected from the deep reality of death. We may actually experience physical numbness.

DENIAL/REALITY

As time goes on the reality of death begins to penetrate yet a part of us has not yet comprehended that the loved one is gone. We listen for the car in the driveway, still count out five snacks, or reach for the phone to call before we catch ourselves and the shock of their death hits us again. Our life becomes a long, dark winter’s night.

PAIN

Everything hurts. It hurts to breath, it hurts to eat, it hurts to go to bed, it hurts to wake up, it hurts to think, your head hurts, your heart hurts. We are deeply wounded. The pain is physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Mixed with the pain is guilt, anger, fear and a host of other feelings. We cry and cry and cry and cry ...

DEJECTION/DEPRESSION

Life goes on but do I really care? Is there any reason to live? We have more questions than answers. We question everything we ever believed, examining our belief in God and in life itself in light of what we are experiencing. We are still struggling with anger and guilt. Life is a burden, we are tired of grieving but there is no escape. We are weary. We wake up as tired as we went to bed. We want to sleep all the time or insomnia stalks us. We are jealous of our friends who have normal lives. We feel old, beaten, trapped, hopeless, cold, and lonely. Self-pity lives with us day and night.

REAFFIRMING LIFE

In time, if we allow ourselves to heal, we learn how to live again. We find a new reality in our lives that we can live with. We move beyond our daily grief, it is no longer the focal point of our lives. We’ve found acceptable answers to some of our questions. We are forever changed. The burden of our grief is still with us but we have learned to carry it. Our loved ones are still gone, we still miss them and it still hurts but we have sweet memories, our love for them remains. We find joy and light and life is good again.

Pat Aho 2001 April 5

It seems quite short when I put it on paper like this but it was a long process. Yes, it was a very long dark cold winter that started in mid-summer but at long last Spring did arrive  with all its warmth, color and new life. Yes, I still have winter moments and even days with a chill in the air but I live in the light. Glory Hallelujah!  I live in the Light.

"C'mon Bud"

Those were the last words I heard the Runner say. His dad called him "Bud" and he called his little brother "Bud". Six years is a big age difference when you are just a toddler but the little one followed along  and the older one was happy to have him.

In the year of 1990 the construction industry in New England slows to a crawl. The Biker works twenty hours a week from May to November. It is not enough.  We are in danger of losing everything we own so we pack up our five little ones and head  west  looking for greener pastures.  We move in with my folks and the Biker goes to work full time framing for my brother.

Shortly after we arrive in February we celebrate two birthdays.  The Runner chooses gummy fish to go with the eight candles on his birthday cake.  Five days later the little one blows out two candles poked into a green frosted caterpillar.

Six months later on a summer  night they are picking up the blocks for me as I finish up the Saturday cleaning by vacuuming Mama's big living room. Later the little one tells me "We made a big castle. We used all the blocks." It is after their bath, the little one is in pajamas; the Runner is wearing his  favorite "moo cow" night shirt, an over-sized white tee shirt with a Holstein cow on it.  When they finish picking up the Runner asks "Can we go now?"  I nod. He says "C'mon Bud" and out the back door they go to see what Dad is doing in the shop. It is about 9 pm, still warm and still daylight.  In the shop Dad is working on a shelf for Grandma's laundry room. They watch him measuring and cutting for a bit then gather up a few scraps of fresh cut cedar boards and wander off.  Later I find those scraps deposited under a tree and watch as they weather untouched by the hands that placed them there.

The little one comes in and is tucked into bed. He falls asleep asking for his brother.  He is the last one to see him alive.  I later ask if he saw the Runner fall out of the tree. He leads me to a tree in the front yard.  Yes, the Runner did fall out of that tree a few days earlier. The bruise on his knee noted in the autopsy report is from that fall.

Days pass and  the little one is still wondering why his brother doesn't come home. He says "Daddy should take the Blazer and go  pick him up."  I search for words to explain to a two year old about death, about heaven.  He says " I'm going to just REACH up there and get him down." He twists his little body and  his little arm reaches as high as it can go towards heaven.  He pulls it back to himself empty handed.

Five years pass and the little one grows on his way to becoming the Writer. He dictates his thoughts to me:

He was my brother.

I'm sorry that he's gone.

I know he is safe in Heaven.

I know that he is risen.

I loved playing with him.

I most liked playing with the blocks.

He was eight when he died.

I'm sorry that he is gone

but I know him well.

I love him still.

He died in 1991.

I know he loved drawing jets.

I was two when he died.

He was good at drawing jets.

He lives inside me.

He liked his bike.

He loved riding it.

When he died it was mine.

I claimed his Legos, his bike, his racetrack.

I claimed too much stuff.

When I think about him I'm still sad.

1996 July 13

I wonder about my little ones. What happens when a sibling dies? What does it do to their little hearts? What do they miss? What do they gain? Does it make them more compassionate? Does it scar their little souls?

Years pass.  Each February we search candy aisles for gummy fish. We mix batter.  We bake cupcakes.  We tint frosting blue. We scatter sprinkles.  One year we  ship them to a sailor in Hawaii, then the next year he makes his own.  This year we make them here at home and the siblings gather and make cupcakes in Georgia. They cry. We cry. They miss us and we miss them.  We miss you "Bud".

I love you "Bud".

I love you bunches and cupcakes - Pat

Glories of an Early Spring

Picnic on the lumber pile.

Barefoot in March

Survived the winter

Promise of the Resurrection

Getting out of Nod and back to God. (Cain #3)

I have found grace in the eyes of the Lord.  In my life I have experienced His everyday, epic, everlasting and extended grace.

I experience His grace everyday that I wake up and breathe.  He extends his grace to me everyday. His mercies are new every morning and every day is new day of grace.  I love my Glory Days - bright blue weather, bright red leaves, the sunshine gives me a bright smile.  Glory days - the common, everyday grace of God that is far from common.  It is glorious.


I believed in Jesus as a little girl but at some point in my life I got confused and turned around. I was on the threshold between the land of God and the land of  Nod facing the darkness.  I hadn’t left the presence of God but  my focus was backwards.  Like Cain I became angry and downcast.  Talk about extra grace required, I had a very volatile temper, I was moody, I had jags of crying myself to sleep nights on end.  I was afraid and did not relate well to others. I lived in a gray world. Life was an upstream struggle all the way.  I lived this like this for about 30 years. In 1991 our 2nd son, Leroy (the Runner) died in an accident in my mother’s back yard.  A few weeks later I told my brother “If someone else is taking care of my kyds I am fine but if I have them I am in a panic.”  He said “You are blaming yourself for Leroy’s death, don’t do that.” So I had added the guilt of his death to the upstream struggle I was already having.  “Don’t do that”…but I  didn‘t know how to not blame myself .  Many months later, perhaps even a  year, I was driving down the road, and had this simple  thought: That is why Jesus died for me, I am not a perfect mother and I will never be a perfect mother.  Epic Grace. In that moment His grace flowed down and covered me. I knew that Jesus died for my sins but this was so real, so close to my heart so everyday relevant to my struggle . . . amazing.  I don’t remember crying or laughing or shouting or even telling anyone at the time but it was a quiet turning point.  A little light started to shine and I started to turn away from Nod and towards God.


Are you still wandering in the land of Nod?
Lost and yearning, away from God?


Are you cast down, your back to the light?
Weary and trembling facing the night?
Turn . . .
Behold!  the grace of God.
His everyday
epic
extended
everlasting  grace.

Cain: #2

Cain:
Dishonored God with the manner of his sacrifice
Got angry and depressed
Killed his brother
Did not take responsibility for his actions
Whined about the consequences
Walked away from God


At anytime God could have just went: ZZZZZZZZZIIIIIITTTTT and sizzled him right there.  God had every right and the power to end the line of Cain before it began.  God did not zap Cain right there.  Instead He offered grace.  He placed a mark on Cain so that no one would kill him.  He allowed him to have life, to have the comfort of a wife and son and  a new vocation. Cain was evil and did nothing to gain God’s favor yet Cain found grace in the eyes of the Lord. 

That is epic grace.
Grace that is above and beyond.
Amazing grace.


To be continued.

Legend of Cain

Adam and Eve so the story runs
Had a couple of squabbling sons

Abel kept some sheep on hand,
Cain was a tiller of the land.

For them both it was the thing.
To bring the Lord an offering.

For Abel only the first born lamb would do
Cain plopped down a veggie or two.

God was pleased with Abel’s gift
But not with  Cain’s, that caused a rift.

So Cain got mad and killed his bro
When asked he answered “I don’t know”

His cursed land would nothing grow
So Cain was always on the go.

He wandered east away from God
And settled in the land of Nod.

Cain found a wife, had Enoch, a son
Named his city after  that one.

Sons had sons down the line
Lamech tho’t he was mighty fine.

Lamech took himself two wives
His three sons led busy lives.

Jabal, Jubal and Tubal-Cain
Made music and tools and roamed the plain.

“Adah/Zillah: listen to me
Wives of Lamech: Attention please!

I killed a man for hurting me,
He was just a boy you see

If Cain gets even 7x o're
Then I’ll get even 70x more!”

Cain: the legendary man from Nod
But the only real hero is  God.

To be continued.

Grace and Mercy are Sisters

Quote from:  “Captured by Grace”    David Jeremiah

"Mercy runs to forgive the Prodigal Son. 

Grace throws an extravagant party.

Mercy bandages the wounds of the man beaten by robbers. 
Grace covers the cost of his full recovery.

MERCY HEARS THE CRY OF THE THIEF ON THE CROSS.
GRACE PROMISES PARADISE THAT VERY DAY.

Mercy pays the penalty for our sin on the cross. 
Grace substitutes God’s righteousness in Christ for our wickedness.


Mercy converts Paul on the road to Damascus. 
Grace calls him to be an apostle.


Mercy saves John Newton from a life of rebellion and sin.
Grace makes him a pastor and the author of a timeless hymn.

Mercy closes the door to hell. 
Grace opens the door to heaven."

Definition of grace:

unearned

undeserved

unmerited

a gift

a favor

to bestow

benefit

"finding its only motive in the bounty and freeheartedness of the Giver"

absolute freedom of the kindness granted by God to man.